Why I Don't Dream

People often ask me (Tremors) what I think my life would be like if I did not have a chronic illness.  They always say something along the line of, how I must have had goals and dreams prior to my diagnosis.  That I was not born with this illness, and that I was diagnosed in high school.  To tell you the truth, I haven’t dreamed much about my life without my chronic illness.  Call me crazy, but I don’t think it does me much good.  
Maybe I’m just not that much of an imaginative person.  I did not grow up with a dream school, or a plan of what I thought my life would be.  I never dreamed of how my wedding would look, or where I would travel if I had the ability to go anywhere.  To this day, I do not know why younger me decided against dreaming up my future.  Honestly, I am almost glad looking back.  I don’t want to dwell on what I cannot do.  I do not want to be stuck in the never ending cycles of what ifs, or if onlys.  I would much rather focus on what I can do.  
To me, the what ifs would only hurt me.  I would have to wake up everyday knowing that I am unable to live out my dream.  I know that sounds pessimistic, but it is what works for me.  The future is a large unknown.  To me, these dreams would almost get in the way of my life.  For example, if I had a lifelong dream of being able to travel wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted, it would be crushed.  Sadly, my plans largely revolve on my medical life, and its schedule.  
I am in no way saying that no one with a chronic illness should dream.  I am just saying how I am, and how I am able to cope.  My coping focuses on the present, and what I am able to do.  I decided to focus on my abilities, and making the most of what I am able to do.  I still try my best to live my life in the moment, and not let my chronic illness define me.  To me, dreams would almost be a way of letting the illness win.  A way of it saying, “you can’t do this,” “you won’t do this,” or “I win.”
To all of you out there with a chronic illness,
WE BELIEVE IN YOU!

-Nemo, Tremors and Secret Agent Puppy

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