My Double Life

I live a double life, there is no denying that. My friends see one thing but I know that is not who I really am. How do I manage to juggle so many identities at once, how do I explain who I am to others.
My friends all see my outer shell, they see a girl who is in college. They see somebody just like them, they see a lie. When they leave school they go out with friends, have fun with family, they get to do whatever they want but I don't.
I have to set alarms to make sure I take my medication throughout the day or else I will be to sick to attend class, my facade will be broken.  Even during classes I am forced to take medications, displaying to my peers that there is something wrong with me.  
I am on a first name basis with all of my doctors as well as much of the ER staff.
The hospital is the place where everybody knows my name.
While my friends wonder where they will work, I wonder if I will ever be able to work.  
I spend my weekends in the hospital getting infusions through my port which is a surgically implanted vein.  This is while my friends are out having fun, or going to parties.  
I bring my dog everywhere with me so that I can leave the house without a parent.  Friends are able to leave the country almost on a whim, and I am barely able to leave the city.  


I don’t live the life of somebody that is in their 20s, I don’t live your life. I want to be able to travel, to go to parties, to be able to to have fun.  I want to, but my body physically won't allow me. You see what you want to see and I let you see that for multiple reasons.
I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I know from experience that my medical conditions can make people unsure of what to do or say.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I can only hang out with my friends so much, and I want to spend that time having fun and not with you watching my every move.
I don’t want you to be a burden. You are a friend not a caretaker.  It is not your job to manage my health, or to worry about what is happening to me medically.  


Sometimes I wish I could just tell everybody the truth without fear of what would happen. It’s hard to explain that I have medical problems, and that I just want to be treated as normal. If it goes wrong will my friendship be over, is it worth the risk?  Should I try to keep up the facade of being “normal,” or should I tell people the truth?  Also, how does this topic come up in normal conversation?  People do not usually go, “Hi, nice to meet you.  By the way, I have a chronic illness that is never going to be cured.”


I do not want my illness to limit me, but I don’t get to make that choice.


To everybody out there living a double life


WE BELIEVE IN YOU

  • Nemo, Tremors, and Secret Agent Puppy

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